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Jokes 16

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, move to Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

To which Bessie replies :
"Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
Shoulda bought a hat."


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."


A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two.
And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ... "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his
father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep crap."


A Woman realised that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh.  Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says,  "Well, stay off your bicycle for a while.


A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


The Oil Shortage
There are a lot of people who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Great Britian.
Well, there's a very simple answer:
We couldn't check it out...
All the dipsticks...are in London!


As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the lpolice man asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I Looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The police man thought for a minute and then said, "Miss ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."


A little girl asks her Mom, "May I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No honey, the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you".
Her Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Her Dad asks, "Where's Susie?"
The girl replies, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block -and there's another dog pushing her home!



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