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Jokes 12

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing and advertising condoms in the same way they advertise their current products:-

Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Sony Condoms - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to put it today?
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the Load
Abbey National Condoms - Because life's complicated enough
Ever Ready Condoms - Keep going and going..
ESSO Condoms- The eye of the Tiger
Pringles Condoms - Once you pop, you just can't stop.
Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper.
Goodyear Condoms - For a longer ride go wide
Ronseal Condoms - does exactly what it says on the packet!
Vauxhall condoms - Raising the Standard!
ONdigital condoms - Plug and Play !!!
L'Oreal condoms - Because I'm worth it
Pepsi Condoms - Taste the difference
Coca-cola Condoms - The real thing.
Guinness Condoms - Good things come to those who wait
Polo Mint Condoms - The one with the hole
Muller Condoms - Pleasure without the pain


I had a wet dream about Cherie Blair last night.
She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.


The police have solved the mystery at Morecambe.
The Chinese were told to stop picking when the water got to knee high.
Unfortunately Nee Hi was waiting in the van.


A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the corpse's arse, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes of stunned silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."


A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss.
"In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it.
When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again,
"I did what you said, boss.I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem*q . The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

""They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look loike grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a bag He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying another bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"


After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.


There is a new study report out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 83% of women think their ass is too fat. 9% of women think their ass is too skinny. The other 8% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway!


As Tony followed Dubbya around the Whitehouse he noticed a door marked 'Sex Councillor' so he asked George about it.

"Ah - that's a leftover from Bill's days.", said George, "I tried the guy out and he was good so we left him in place."
"Good ?" asked Blair "How. What did he do for you ?"
"""How ?" asked Blair looking interested.
"Well all his treatments are tailored to the individuals and will not work for others. First he carried out a thourough physical examination. Then what our treatment boiled down to was us getting our kit off and sitting on the floor facing each other. She had to play hoopla with doughnuts over my wedding tackle while I rolled grapes up between her legs into her pleasure palace. I'd suggest you see the guy."

Tony is intrigued so he books a session for Cherie and himself. After the physical the sex councillor looks worried and says "Look - I'm very sorry but there is nothing I can do to help you."
"Why not!!" exclaims Blair "What about the doughnuts and grapes thing ?"
"Hmmm", says the councillor "My treatments are supposed to be confidential but I guess we could try a variation on that one...."

"Can you get Polo mints and grapefruit in the UK ?"



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